Colette, 12, Oakland, CA
Colette, 12, Oakland, CA
I have known forever that I am a girl, it wasn’t a decision or anything. It is just something that you know. I was always a girl. You don’t think about it – and I don’t think about it like true or trusting. I didn’t wonder about whether I was a girl or boy I just knew. I always knew I felt like I was a girl because I liked and fit in with all the other girls. I liked playing the same stuff and dressing the same way. Now I kind of wonder how it happens that gender and bodies get mixed up -- but when I was younger I just figured I was me the way I was.
All my friends were girls, I only wanted to wear girl clothes, and I wasn’t interested in boy toys. I loved all the princess movies and my favorite was Mulan and Little Mermaid. My brother had a ton of legos and I would play with him but only when I could be a girl character. We would play castles and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I was always the girl – that is how I still play when we do video games and things.
I actually decided on my own in second grade that I wanted to change my name and pronoun – it seemed like everyone was fine with me being a girl with a boy’s name but it did confuse people and I got tired of people being confused. It was kind of like always calling attention to that I was different and I just wanted everything to be right.
The biggest challenges are:
Did I mention, too many blood tests?!!!!
Bathing suits
Leggings
Not being able to do gymnastics like other girls because my body isn’t flexible
Not being able to do swim team because the suits are too tight
Being misgendered
Worrying about how you look all the time
If I experiment with my hair then people misgender me – and it’s different for cis people because being misgendered is funny or cool but it isn’t funny for me. I shouldn’t have to have long hair so people know I am a girl.
Feeling self-conscious a lot, wondering how people see me
Relationships and dating
Who will I like and what will I tell them
Worrying if someone I know will tell someone about me
Not having very many friends who are like me – I have a lot of great friends who care about me but they don’t really know what it feels like to be me
Wanting a body that makes me feel beautiful
Having to have a lot of medical things just to be me
I HOPE To get estrogen and be a full girl – and then be a famous artist.
People need to know that being trans is what fits you right mentally. You don’t choose how you feel. You don’t think about it. You just are. It means that you are always different even when people don’t know you.
Colette’s Parents
Colette has identified as a girl since she was 2, old enough to talk. She said all the now-classic things: “I AM a GIRL, not a boy – it’s a mistake”; “I am a boy on the outside but a girl in my heart.” etc. She did not dwell on the incongruity though. For for the most part, there wasn’t active dysphoria. It was more like – this isn’t right but oh well.
As a younger child – and even now to a degree – she just took it in stride that her body was one way and her gender identity was another. It didn’t bother her at all to be wearing a pink princess dress with people using male pronouns and her male-affiliated birth name.
With communication came clear and strong preferences for media, clothes and toys that were “typical” girl things. We followed her lead for the most part which was easy enough to do in a socially progressive place like the Bay Area. Kids generally accepted her and adults, for the most part, either didn’t comment or would opine that “all kids go through phases”.
Once she was preschool age – 3 ish - it was clear to us though, how deeply ingrained her gender identity was. Our house was strewn with Barbies and “my little ponies”, the bathtub full of mermaids of every variety. Nightgowns were the only acceptable sleep attire and her little brother was forced to watch hours of Disney Princess movies. Shopping was easy because the boy section was off-limits entirely. It was not only her choice of “girl” presentation/play that was affirming but everything about her exuded feminine - in a way that was undeniable.
Preschool educators and other parents made a point of relating stories about how young kids experiment with gender and try on different identities; we heard SO many times that “playing dress-up is “normal”.” Even though we tried to be balanced in supporting our happy and active preschooler, we knew at a gut level that Colette was not experimenting. While she loved to be fancy and would go to the dress-up corner every time over other play, she was really “dressing UP” – as in, putting on fancy girl clothes in the way any little girl likes to sparkle. She would put them on and not take them off. It wasn’t that she was experimenting with how she looked like a girl – she was dressing up because that is what girls do.
It was easy to trust that she knew what she was doing because it was her way of life every minute of every day. She didn’t waver, didn’t dance back and forth didn’t ever try to be someone she wasn’t.
It was when she was three that we started our research into gender identity and were fortunate to find like families in our area and a nascent movement of support. Once connected with these families things really fell into place for us. It was amazing to validate what we had been feeling that the gender incongruence was serious and important – and that there were other kids like her.
I think when Colette was little, it was a constant stressor for us knowing that her outward presentation, name, and inner self didn’t all align. We wanted to provide as much room as possible for her to bend and move and be who she was. We tried to avoid labels and were really cautious about looking out for her in every new situation; calling the adults ahead to explain what they would see, hanging out when she played with new friends to help answer questions, etc. We still are always anxious about how the world will treat her – her trans-ness is on our minds daily. But she passes easily as female and now with her dress, name, pronouns, and social world aligned as female, there is less constant anxiety and we aren’t on constant high alert.
Everyone we know has been incredibly supportive. However, it has taken people different amounts of time to get really comfortable with the issue – depending on age, geography, and their exposure/enlightenment around gender and sexuality. Older generations find it harder to understand. One grandparent has been stodgy about changing name/pronoun but is otherwise warm.
We have wonderful friends who all have come around to understanding Sakura for who she is. However, until she was about 9-10, I am quite confident that even some of our closest friends disagreed with our open, active, and declarative embrace of her gender identity. I believe the skepticism – or criticism – almost always came from a place of both fear and goodwill. We are older parents (now 60ish) and most of our peers don’t know any transgender adults and very few had ever heard about trans kids when Colette was younger!
Colette and her brother attend an amazing independent elementary school where she is not only supported but active efforts are made to educate staff, students, and parents around gender inclusivity and where her identity is actively embraced and reflected by staff.
Like with any child who has some “special issue” (learning, a dramatic peanut allergy, Type 1 diabetes, any disability) one of the biggest challenges as a parent is that you have no choice but to become a vocal advocate for your child. You can’t just show up to things and anticipate that is that every public and social situation requires forethought and advance planning. There is a feeling like you are constantly blocking and tackling but without knowing who is running at you. Wanting a young child to be able to be themselves without scrutiny or criticism means deciding if a new social situation is safe and/or what needs to happen to make it safe. Do you tell people the whole story and hope they understand and are supportive? Do you not tell but watch to be sure nothing happens?
Increasingly Colette is capable and adept at handling unexpected questions about her gender and advocating for herself with friends and others. She is open about her trans identity and feels confident (so far) that she can address any teasing. While amazing and inspiring, the more open she is the more vulnerable it makes us feel. How private should we be? What is our responsibility to other less fortunate trans kids and families to be vocal and out?
Colette is an inspiration to me in my life. She is brave and resilient and a wonderful example of how important it is to accept you who are and work hard to be the best person you can be. She has made a lot of friends in the gender-queer community and sees excitement, positivity, and “normalcy” for herself in the years ahead. It excites me to think that while being trans has been hard and will be a lifelong challenge for her – that she is becoming a global citizen because of her gender identity. By being proud of herself, open to conversation, and a self-advocate she will become part of the societal change that we need to make trans kids and adults more part of our mainstream society. Even if her footprint remains local, it matters and will make a difference and nothing could make me more proud.
We think her hopes and dreams are just like those of other kids. She wants to have fun relationships, go to college, find something she is passionate about (art right now). She has a ton of optimism and very few fears. She sees ahead 5 years to a time when she will be on estrogen and have had surgery and views that as “all problems solved”. It is amazing how hopeful and patient she is.
Our hopes and dreams for Colette are that the adult world in which she is headed is a new and different one from the past. That she is truly able to be what she thinks/expects she will be – just a pretty woman living her life like everyone else. Our dream is that she never has a fear-filled moment; that she never experiences discrimination, harassment, or violence of because of her gender identity; that her heartbreaks are of the old-fashioned kind and unrelated to her gender identity. Our hope is that she is right – that medical technology will evolve such that her doctors can really “fix” what wrong when she was born; that the medical intervention she will have will be so successful that she can live without physical or emotional pain in a body that she loves and that matches her expectations. We hope and dream for both of our children that their lives are full of happiness and joy and for Colette, that the sorrows she undoubtedly will face are those of the average Jane.
In our family, Colette’s brother has the most amazing gender empathic personality and love for his sister. His support for her has been unwavering since he could talk. He is her biggest supporter and understands how basic her identity is to her. His stance is underappreciated by Colette and yet contributes so much to her ability to express who she is genuine.
The more open we become as a society and the more trans folks that live next door, the more people will understand what transgender means. People have a hard time with people who are “different” – which is funny, given that we are all so different. But just like with gay couples with kids – until there are 4 or 5 households on your block, it is hard to envision that their family life is “just like” those of their heterosexual neighbors.