Ollie, 18, Liverpool, England

Ollie, 18, Liverpool, England

I tried to force myself to be girly and fit in. I was and am in an all-girls school, so it seemed essential to fit in. I became aggressive and angry. I didn’t have many friends and I became depressed and started self-harming as well as having suicidal tendencies. It was an awfully horrible time on top of puberty which was making me hate myself even more.

This all changed when I found my identity. I didn’t trust myself at first. Just after my 15th birthday, I began going by a different name to my close friends and an LGBTQ+ support group. That’s when I began to trust myself in my identity as male. Being referred to with he/him pronouns and being called a masculine name was so refreshing and comforting. It made me feel so at ease. For once I felt fully happy and comfortable in my gender and expression. I never wavered in my identity after that point. I felt elated. 

As a transman. I felt completely free. I became more outgoing and fun-loving and relaxed around my peers. I started making friends and being known as the funny, bubbly musician rather than the depressed, angry mystery I had been before. I can honestly say I’ve never been more comfortable both socially and emotionally than I am right now.  I feel like myself.

The biggest challenge is learning to stand up for yourself, and understanding exactly how you want to be treated and what to ask of people. It can be scary, but almost always worth it. You become stronger as a person, and you learn to deal with difficult situations and conflict. 

My parents are not supportive, but they know I’ll always do what I think is best for me. We have gotten into many fights because of this, but hopefully, they’ll come to terms with this. All of my peers have always been 100% supportive from the get-go.

Speak to people who are trans and nonbinary, always approach with an open mind. Just as you are fighting with your identity and expression, so are they. Remember, when talking to people about their identity, they are the expert, not you. You are the novice