Sean, 5, Brooklyn, NY
Sean, 5, Brooklyn, NY
It was at 2 half years when he could form sentences that Sean told us that he was a boy. With his two older sisters to manage as well, we really didn't stop to get our heads around it. I didn't argue with him about what his gender was, but other family members did go about trying to convince him that he was a girl. I now regret not curtailing that. When he was four, I bought him boy clothes and gifts that are traditionally in the boy realm: superhero action figures and a big motorized truck for Christmas. He felt comfortable at home being a boy but when he turned five I asked him how he felt being a boy. He told me that it was ok to be a boy at home, but he had to hide his secret at school. His answer stunned and shamed me. I realized how my slow action in regard to his gender was putting him at risk and that broke my heart.
As I was wrapping my head around Sean being a boy, between 4-5 years of age, I would start to tell parents on the playground what we were going through. Gratefully, there were no full-on horrified reactions. But, more than one parent would try to tell me that it was likely just a phase. I'd have to explain to them that something that lasts over two years is not likely a phase. Sean was very insistent at this point. Whenever we would refer to our 'girls' our use feminine pronouns he would correct us.
Every time someone honors his male identity feels like a victory. The joy that spreads across his face is priceless. This happened just yesterday when we were in the park. Another parent, a stranger to me, looked at him and said, I hope to have a son someday. And I was able to just smile - I really enjoyed that moment. I realize now, as I see this joy emerging in Sean, how much anxiety he's been in. For such a long time - and at such a young age, he's not felt comfortable in his own skin. That is a very hard thing for me, as his mom, much less anyone else, to identify with. Now, as he's emerging as a boy, to watch him actually becoming himself, and the accompanying joy that that brings out in him is indescribable as a parent.
Most of our family and friends have been supportive. We struggle with a very close family member who is of a generation where being trans is WAY out of their realm of understanding. It also goes against their church doctrine and I think it may ultimately shake their faith. Needless to say - bringing them on board is going to be a work in progress. I know this family member loves Sean, but this experience is challenging them to be unconditional in their love.
With trans issues being a very hot topic the last few years I half expected the world to roll out the rainbow flag for us. Not realistic, but I had hoped. Our biggest challenge by far has been in dealing with his public Elementary school. I've really been shocked by the treatment we've gotten from the Principal. We're very invested in the school and have to know the staff and administration for many years since my oldest attended Pre-K and she's now 12 years old. We had what I thought was a good relationship with the school and admin.
I gave the Principal a heads up last spring that Sean may be getting ready to transition to becoming a boy full time. I let her know about the conversation were told me that he felt he had to keep his secret. Her response startled me, she made a reference to a previous student who may have been trans and "was outside of normal" or something like that. I was stunned, thinking my kid is normal!
When school resumed this fall I sent her a couple of emails letting her know this transition was likely permanent and asking her to explain how the NYC DOE supports trans kids - to which I received no response. Now I'm in full-on Mama Bear mode. I called the NYC DOE LGBTQ Liaison to help me work with the administration and get support within the school. This entire experience has made me very frustrated but also profoundly sad for the generations upon generations of trans kids that have suffered silently in a system that has declared that they could not be seen nor heard and are not "normal". I don't imagine that we'll stay in the school after this year. I'd like to find a school that is welcoming - where I don't have to strong-arm the administration to accept my kid and that values ALL types of diversity. I pray though, that the waves I make now may benefit future trans kids and their families who may attend this school.
What I'd like people to know is that we are just like everyone else! We like to sleep in, play sports and watch movies in our pajamas. Sean likes bacon and cookies, collecting Pokemon cards and Hotwheels and hugs from his mom and dad.
I think what’s frustrating - if I allow myself to read negative online comments about trans people and their families, are the misconceptions. There seems to be a line of thought that parents of Trans kids are letting the kids call the shots or that they are spoiled and allowed to act out in a gender that is different from their assigned birth gender. It's amazing and stunning to witness all of this judgment.
If anyone could have met Lu a year ago and compared that to him now, they would see a kid who is clearly less stressed and has less anxiety. He hasn't completely socially transitioned, because he's too frightened of what some of his classmates might say to him. But, even with this fear, he's SO much better than he was because we're talking about it. Because he knows we love him no matter what. Because he knows that we support him and we're doing what we can to make his school and classroom as tolerant as we can.
Lu wants to be a race car driver and an artist. My hope and dream for him are that he capital L Loves himself and is at peace with who he is. Everything else is gravy as far as I'm concerned.
Imagine being uncomfortable in your own skin. It's not easy to do and it's something we take for granted. I have certainly been challenged by all of this.. and have really started to question what it means to be a woman or a man. Is it hormones or sex organs? On a very core level, I keep coming back to: I don't know. I encourage everyone to keep saying "I don't know" and become comfortable with not knowing. I think only then can we begin to have empathy and compassion for folks that are different from us.