9 year old cis and transgender twins, Northern Illinois

9-year-old-cis-and-transgender-twins-northern-illinois

C, 9, and his twin. 

I think my child sensed as early as 3 that he was a boy even though everyone was saying he was a girl. He would say "I'm really a boy" or "Mom, you know I'm a boy, right?" He would ask around age 4 for us to call him by a boys' name for fun, but I realize now he was "trying it on". From age 5-7, he would always say "I know I'm a girl....BUT" and then would describe himself as a boy. He was saying "I know society SAYS I'm a boy, but I don't feel like one, and here's an example". The day we discussed gender identity (age 8) was the last day I ever heard him say "I know I'm a girl BUT", because he realized he was transgender and that was what he was comfortable with as his descriptor.

I first expressed to him what it meant to be transgender through reading "Be Who You Are" to him and when we finished the book he said "Wait! Is this a true story or make-believe?" I said, "this is a true story about a little boy who felt like a girl inside and who went on to transition to living as his authentic self - a girl". He then said "so, I'm not the only one that feels like this?" and I said "No, honey, you aren't." To which he exclaimed, "Mom - this is great news - I'm TRANSGENDER!!!!" He was so happy to have something to explain how he was feeling and from that day on, he has been so happy and outgoing. Prior to that, he was starting to withdraw.

The first time I had to share it with someone was with his Principal and she was amazingly supportive and understanding. It helped that she had seen him dressing as a boy for 3 years and he was already sporting a "buzz cut" so it's not as though this came out of left field. If anything, it explained what they had seen evolving. The immediate acceptance and support were amazing.

The first time we came out to family, we shared with my husband's brothers and mom. They were moderately supportive and polite, but it was clear that one of them had a very negative reaction based on the tone and snarkiness of his replies. We've since cut him out of our lives as we have no room for hate and ignorance. We've only lost one family member. We've become less close with 2 others as we know they think this is somehow wrong and we are all right with this. The love and support we have for our child is of utmost priority and we will not spend energy trying to educate or persuade those whose minds are already made up or routed in hate.

It was a process of educating ourselves and coming to terms with how we would educate him and move forward. We really thought he was going to be a lesbian, which clouded our seeing his truth earlier. The ultimate events where we felt he really expressed it was on spring break one year where he asked to swim without his shirt and for us to call him a boys' name so he could "be himself". Then a few days later he asked me if we could do anything to prevent his breasts from coming in someday because he wanted to stay looking like a boy. Then we knew this wasn't about his sexual identity, but his gender identity.

Once he was in his affirmed identity, he thrived. He was ELATED, and upbeat and confident. Before he was withdrawn and avoided any situation where kids were divided by gender. 

Our kids' friends have been amazing. We've had zero incidents of bullying or exclusion as far as we know. The parents have been supportive and kind. My family is 100% on board - unconditional love. My work friends have been very respectful and supportive. I can tell a few don't agree, but they've been professional and supportive, just avoiding the topic. 

The biggest challenge I face is my own stress levels. I spend a great deal of time advocating proactively for him. This means a lot of reading, support groups, reading articles (pro and con) on the topic. It's emotionally exhausting. There's not a minute of my day it feels, that I'm not thinking about this and worrying. While nothing bad has happened in the 14 months since he came out, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's like walking on eggshells daily. I don't sleep well and I'm not taking great care of myself. My work has suffered. My energy is hyper-focused on this topic and it takes a toll. Every affirmed mom that I know says the exact same thing. All parents worry about their kids, but few wonder if they may be bullied daily or possibly hurt/murdered someday by someone who opposes your child's identity. We've had no overt challenges, and yet I'm exhausted. I feel for the parents who aren't fortunate as we are to live in a progressive suburb. 

Supporting a child's identity is not a "choice" or a "fad" or a "phase". We have a decision ultimately to have a happy alive son or a miserable dead daughter based on the statistics we've seen. There is 50% chance that a trans youth will attempt suicide before they turn 21.  This is not because they have mental issues. It's because their families or peers didn't accept them. The number one positive factor in a child doing well is family support. I'm not willing to risk being the reason my child wants to take his life. I would also say, this is not something force on their kids, as I often read. I could no more make him write "right-handed" when he's a lefty than I could say "be a girl because you were assigned that sex at birth based on anatomy". It wouldn't feel right nor comfortable to him and ultimately as parents we all just want our kids to feel loved and accepted. It has to start with us. 

This fight over bathrooms and locker rooms is nonsense. These kids just want to be in a room where they feel themselves. They are at risk in the locker room/bathrooms of their sex assigned at birth so that's a non-starter. Segregating them into a separate bathroom is the worst option. I know that many feel that's a "common sense" option, but these are the same individuals that will not recognize a transgender boy as a boy. They will say "there's a boy in the girls' locker room". There's a fundamental lack of understanding and ignorance around what it means to be transgender. Ultimately, as a trans parent, I feel this dialogue isn't really about safety or privacy. It's about wanted to marginalize yet another group that doesn't fit into their hetero/cisgender paradigm because THEY are uncomfortable. The solution isn't to "segregate" the trans child. The solution is to say "if YOU are uncomfortable, YOU are more than welcome to use a separate bathroom. BUT, we shouldn't be segregating the trans kids. These are the most vulnerable students in our school and the administrations have a responsibility to protect this group of kids even if they are a small percentage. 

My child says he wants to be the dad/husband and marry a girl. He wants to be a musician or teacher and maybe live somewhere warmer (e.g. California). He just wants to be happy and feel love as he does in our home. His dreams are simple and I hope he can experience all that he deserves.

I find the biggest challenge right now is how/when/if to share this fact. My child is entering middle school with 3 feeder schools. One-third of the kids will know about him and they totally accept. What happens when a little girl gets a crush on him and doesn't know. Will the parents freak out if they hear from someone else. What obligation do we have to share his information? Our view is that it's his story to tell, but we worry about his safety if someone were to be surprised. It's the fear of the unknown that is so hard for us. We don't want anyone to kill the confidence he's gained since coming out but we know that this is the year where we may have a situation that we need to navigate and I hope I can be strong and help him push through versus falling apart and adding to his angst. Being strong and positive in front of him is hard, but I do it FOR HIM. I cry when I'm alone and worry.

My child is special because he had the bravery to say how he was feeling when he knew he was the only kid who was feeling this way at his school. This took guts. This took self-confidence.

He's a fighter. He is a kid who doesn't do anything unless it "feels good" so I know this is what he wanted. He has a huge heart and he doesn't judge others. He's the first kid to befriend a new kid at school if someone moves. He's kind. He's funny. He's smart

He is my everything and I will not let anyone kill his spirit....not without a fight.

I just truly wish that everyone knew one transgender child as I think this alone would shift the hate to understanding (or minimally tolerance). I hate the word tolerance - it implies there's something "off putting" with which to be dealt. As hard as this is on me mentally, in some ways, I view this as the biggest blessing I could've ever received in my life. It made me slow down and put my kids ahead of work. It helped me realize that love and family is all that matters. It made me appreciate the unconditional love that I've had from my family my whole life.