Kyla and Mya, 18, Twins, Los Angeles, CA
Kyla and Mya, 18, Twins, Los Angeles, CA
Mya, (R)-
I first began exploring my gender my junior year of high school. It was unpleasant admittedly, and a strange and terrifying step into something I didn’t really understand. But then again, I’ve never understood gender, or attached it to myself, so figuring out my gender or lack thereof was truly about being authentic to myself. I’m still evolving, but I trust the decision that my younger self made, and I trust the decisions I may make in the future.
It’s an extension of how I’ve always been living my life, just made more explicit. I’ve always seen the world a certain way. Gender still baffles me, and I didn’t grow up seeing it the way others do. I can’t say I now understand gender on a personal level, but I have a better understanding of it on a societal and institutional level. Trans identities expose the underpinnings of gender in ways that our society often deems as dangerous.
I’ve been very, very lucky to meet and surround myself with supportive and affirming people.
I’m worried about future jobs, but for now, I’m just working on being recognized. Of course, my struggles aren’t necessarily representative of the entire community. We are diverse! But I’ve definitely found a community and purpose through my identity.
One of the most striking challenges I’ve faced is in respect to race. The ways my mixed-race Japanese identity interplays with my gender identity is complicated, and not something traditionally discussed in nonbinary spheres. However, finding trans API spaces has been incredibly healing.
I’d like people to see me and not an image or stereotype projected on me. I think finding my gender has helped me be more open and true to myself. I hide who I am for the most part, but I’m learning how to open up. Ultimately, I hope I am more authentically me than I was back in high school.
Gender is treated as very simplistic. You’re one thing or another. There’s no in between, no overlap, nothing. Yet, we know the world is an immensely complex creation. There are billions of unique individuals, with countless different interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, occupations, philosophies, histories, experiences. We are complex individuals living in a complex, multidimensional world. It doesn’t make sense for gender to be any different. We each have our own experiences with our gender. And some (I’d even say most) are entirely different than yours. Nonbinary individuals just have a different experience with their gender than you do. That’s how I’d best describe it. Nonbinary individuals aren’t a monolith and we don’t all have the same experiences. But we can respect people’s differences, and trust in their knowledge of their own genders.
Largely, I see the ways I complicate gender. I was in a dance group my first semester, and they were ordering outfits for competition. Girls were asked to bring tights, guys would have joggers ordered for them. What would I do? I was given the choice of choosing either. But that choice complicates everything else. After all, why can’t guys bring tights or girls get joggers? They weren’t explicitly told not to, but there is the underlying assumption that the guys will choose one thing, and girls another. And admittedly most do, but being nonbinary means I force others to see the choices we aren’t given.
Gender is a societal construct (one of many, many constructs) that in its present state severely limits us. When I speak of gender in this context I’m talking about the gender imposed on us by doctors at birth, the one reinforced by the government which has our gender on everything from our driver’s license to our passports, the one perpetuated by media, and the one that impacts each of our communities (to list some of the broader ways gender is reinforced in our lives). It is used to police our bodies, our mannerisms, our dress, our way of speaking. It is one of many interlocking oppressions, intersecting with racism, classism, sexism, and a whole host of other oppressions. The binary idea of gender has no place in our future.
I hope for and work toward a future that upholds racial, economic, disability, and gender justice.