Max, 13, Bay Area, CA

Max was in 6th grade, about a month before turning 12 yrs old, they texted that they kinda liked boys and they felt more like a girl. Before this, Max was going through a really emotional time and we had no idea what was going on. I kept asking, what’s making you so sad, what’s bothering you, scaring you…how can I support you. Finally, Max said, “There’s nothing you can do, you can’t fix this.” I told them that no matter how bad or how unfixable, I would be with them, we would face whatever it was together.

So Max texted me “I kinda like boys and I feel more like a girl”….I was so relieved to know that there was nothing wrong, that they weren’t being hurt by someone. We assured Max that we loved them and we both would do whatever Max needed on this journey. They are not alone. It took several more months to figure out that girl didn’t feel right either and that perhaps they were agender. Since June of 2015, Max has identified as agender, non-binary.

It’s taken me a while to trust this whole thing. In the beginning, it was important to just let Max know they were loved no matter what, that we would help figure out whatever it was that was happening if that meant supporting a transition to a girl. So be it. And then it moved from she to they, and non- binary. Which actually seemed easier and more accurate.

As Max’s mom, I think the biggest anxiety has been about puberty and growing up. It’s one thing to live your true self as a kid, gender can have less meaning. But at a certain point, your body will change and you have to go through puberty. This is less straightforward for a non-binary kid. Which puberty matches their identity, this is such a personal decision. I worry about the world around us? Are they ready for my kid? How long will it take for the world to be more accepting of differences?