Lilly, 12, Chico, California
Lilly, 12, Chico, California
Lilly’s dad- Lilly started presenting as a girl as early as age three —preferring traditional girl toys, clothing, colors, being drawn to and fascinated by princesses. I took her to the high school production of Cinderella, and from the moment she left the theater, she was about all things Cinderella. I Believe she was four years old then. While Lilly knew exactly who she was, it took me a few years to accept and embrace it completely.
All I ever really needed to do was follow her lead, listen to her, embrace what she loved and was passionate about. I think this is true for parents of cisgender kids too – we have our own agendas as parents. The lesson is to let go - support and love unconditionally.
Lilly, at age 8, told her mom – in no uncertain terms – that she was a girl. Truth is in my mind – she always has been.
When Lilly started presenting as a girl, we talked about it and started to do some reading, research, and talking with people. We were fortunate to discover Diane Ehrensaft in Berkeley who is nationally recognized for her work with transgender issues. At the time we first spoke with her, Lilly was three, Erensaft described her as “gender fluid” as she moved easily from activities or clothes we often think of as “boy” or “girl.”
If a child is transgender, they will continue to persist whether you trust them or not. Lilly did. We realized it was a matter of happiness/of survival. As we all do, she deeply needed to be her genuine self. Intuition kicks in – you can see how important this is, and the lightness of being that accompanies the acknowledgment.
For Lilly living as Lilly was Liberating!!! Again – a lightness of being.—A feeling of not having to hide or pretend. Lilly made the complete transition from home to the public when it was “make-up” picture day at her school. It was 4th grade. She’d started the year presenting as a boy, was clearly unhappy, but anxious about the change. On the morning of that day before school, she told her mom she was going as a girl. She wanted that picture to represent who she truly was. It was also scary for her, but she had the courage to be who she is.
Lilly has received loving support from immediate family and friends. Some extended family has not been accepting as well as some folks who were acquaintances. It’s all about their fear. Those who have not come around we simply don’t have time for.
There is so much that is special about Lilly. She is bright, perceptive, inquisitive, witty. She has a great sense of humor. She loves to dance and she loves to sing and is good at both. She loves shopping, make-up, spiked shoes, all things fashion. She is enamored of Beyonce, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, she makes videos on her iPod, she is creative, and can be very pensive. Lilly understands both genders – she has said so and knows she is in a unique position to do this. She has taught me so much about patience and courage. She feels things very deeply. She has a strong presence.
In my case, my wife helped me to understand and accept Lilly being transgender much faster than I probably would have on my own. She is deeply loving mom and person, and her courage and insight have been invaluable. All families, with open hearts and minds, can accept and love each other fully for whatever their choices are. Lilly’s older brother and sister have also loved her unconditionally and deeply. They have had their questions and fears as well, and they have been willing to face those and work through them.