Sky Noah, 15, Central Germany

Sky Noah, 15, Central Germany

I finally understood that something was wrong one year ago (I was 14 years-old back then) - it was a very confusing time due to puberty, school, and everything. I had many problems and challenges in life before, so I thought "this problem" would be easy to solve. But then the gender dysphoria started. I started to feel very uncomfortable in my own body, and I started questioning if it would be more than a simple "phase." It took me many times to simply understand that I am not a woman, and I don't feel like one. Before I knew all of this, I lived a "happy" life as a female; I was wearing make-up, short skirts, and push-up bras, so all of this was completely new. 

I remember when I first started binding my breast. I didn't know it was dangerous to bind with ace bandages (NEVER DO THIS), and so my lungs started hurting very fast, but I was in school, so a little trapped. I thought I'd have to wear these bandages now every day to pass as a male - but I skipped the last two school hours because it got worse. I always knew I could trust my feelings even though there was this anxiety. Would my parents understand me? My schoolmates? How could I pass? 

There was this certain point: After a good friend of mine told me I should watch the Netflix series "Orange Is The New Black," I did. And I totally could identify with the situation of "Laverne Cox" (the transgender female in the series). It was just this feeling that I finally found who I am (it's hard to describe because... English isn't my mother language)

First, I outed myself at my gaming community. It was a rough time. I was scared of losing all my gaming friends; maybe they'd judge me. But it wasn't that way. They started asking questions; I should explain EVERYTHING to them. I was pretty happy then :D. I ended up opening an "LGBTQ+ Counter-Strike Team.."

Telling my parents was the worst part of it. I knew they wouldn't throw me out or something, but there was this fear if they wouldn't accept my identity. I can understand, if your child is outing themselves as a transgender, it may be a shock for parents, but - still, it's their child, and they should be supportive even if they can't understand the kid's feelings.  

In school, I started wearing my hair short, started wearing male clothes, started binding. Very early, I outed myself as bisexual, then lesbian (I didn't know back then what pansexuality is), and then as transgender FtM. I changed my Instagram biography and used a male name, and wrote "FtM" in it.

Some people saw that and asked. I wrote a message to all my classmates where I explained everything to them and said they could ask questions - and they did. There is no sex education in Germany when it comes to transgender or even homosexuality. 

I wrote an E-Mail to my class teacher, and 6 hours later, he called my mom. So I came to her like: "Uhm, mom? there's my class teacher at the telephone - and by the way,  I've outed myself as transgender this day!" She was very pissed at me. In the school corridor, people started yelling, "you tranny" or when I walked by people, they were spitting on the ground and stuff like this, but I never got offended face to face. I've outed myself at school in my senior year, so now I am finished. I'm happy I'm away from all of this. I often hear these "drama stories" from outings, and I'm pretty happy that mine wasn't that bad. I got bullied in school for years, and it stopped in senior year - it's all about self-esteem, guys!

This feeling of being out is so f*cking awesome I can barely describe it. When you go shopping, and the mall employees call you a "young man,” This is making me happier than the best present on earth ever could!

I always googled stuff like "How can I pass as male" and stuff - but in March this year, I totally gave it up to "act" like a man. I know I am manly enough; even though I have a high-pitched voice, a vagina, this shouldn't stop me from being myself. When people ask me what gender I identify myself, I always say, "85% male, 10% agender and 5% COOKIE!" (that cookie thingy is just a joke) - why these 10% agender? I want to have a beard, I want to use male pronouns, but I can't imagine how it is. I do not get testosterone or even hormone blockers.

I'm not fully out in my family because many wouldn't understand or even tolerate it. My mother uses female pronouns and my birth name - it hurts, but sometimes, just sometimes, she's calls me with my male name - these are the happiest seconds in the week then. My father just said: "You'll always be my daughter" - no matter if I one day have a beard, short hair, or a penis - I think he'd still call me his "daughter" then. This could be a very funny situation then! My friends accepted it, but I couldn't call it supportive. When I fought with my friends, they started using female pronouns and stuff to make me mad. But now, people accept it because... all these "fake friends" - I deleted them.

Being trans is a challenge - and I accepted it. Bullying is often a big deal, and even going to the female bathroom hurts, but my passing isn't good enough still. If I go to the male bathroom, I get beaten up, and at the female restroom, I get yelled at. And here in Germany - there are no gender-neutral bathrooms. If you say "I'm trans," most people first think of Drag Queens / Drag Kings and believe we are that different. We aren't, that's the thing about it. 

Transitioning isn't easy, especially if you're parents don't support you. I mean, my parents: Use female pronouns, want me to go shopping at the "girly" section, want me to wear dresses, use my birth name. If I come with the words "hormone blockers," they're going crazy. It's hard to see your body changing. My breasts are getting bigger, and so the binders don't work that good anymore. Your face gets more feminine, and even your hips and waist... But I won't give up!

I don't think I'm very special. I went through a lot of stuff: Chronic Depression, Cutting, Suicide Thoughts / Attempts, Gaming Addiction, and I am still here and fighting for myself. People used to tell me my feelings aren't valid, but you just should be yourself and follow your dreams. I love to inspire people, and even some people outed themself and just said to me: You inspired me to! These kinds of messages are heartwarming. 

Many people fear getting judged or pushed away if they would find out themselves because of society - it shouldn't be that way. You don't even have to be friends with everyone; you just should accept and tolerate the feelings, pronouns, and names of us LGBTQ+ people. We're now in a time where we don't want to be invisible anymore - we want to spread our love. And this is what I do. I'm trying my best to help people, always standing by them with good advice. There are many great, supportive campaigns like itgetsbetter.org. No one should kill his/her/themself because of fear/dysphoria/anxiety or even family-outing-problems. You are worth it to live your life - being happy.

Hopes for myself: TESTOSTERONE. It's hard to see how my body keeps changing because of female puberty, but I can't even get hormone blockers without my parents. It's hard and hurting. I'll get through this and rise back up! When I'm an adult, I want to help all of the German LGBTQ Youth - I still don't know how but I want to, and I'm going to do this!

And hopes for "the world"? My big dream is that gay marriage gets legalized in Germany! (and better / more sex education too)

To everyone out there struggling with anxiety, depression, gender dysphoria, or whatever: There will be hard times, nobody can deny it - but in the end, it is worth it. Maybe you'll one day think stuff like "I don't want to live anymore," "I'm not worth it to be happy," or "everyone hates me, I wanna be invisible"; just let me say this ONE thing to you: It gets fucking better. Even if you don't believe it, it gets better. Life is a gift, and you should live as happy as you can. Talk to people, laugh as much as you can, never give up fighting!