Nicole, 8, Northern CA (with twin)
Nicole, 8, Northern California
At age two and a half, I recognized that Nicole, who has an identical twin Hannah, had a preference for toys and clothes traditionally thought of as boy toys and clothes. They did a lot of dress-up. When Hannah would dress up as a bride, Nicole would dress up as a groom. In addition to all the princess costumes we owned, we had all the male counterpart costumes as well. Nicole’s Halloween costumes: Construction worker, Frankenstein, Batman, police officer, sheriff, cowboy.
By age three, Nicole would opt out of manicures and pedicures, preferring just to wait for the rest of us (myself, her twin sister, and high school-age sister) to get ours done. What really drove home how strongly Isabela felt about NOT having “girly” things was when the twins would receive matching birthday gifts (toys and clothes). Nicole would politely say thank you, but then turn to her sister and say, “you can have this.” Nicole handed over scores of presents to Hannah until I began telling family and friends to pretend they were giving a gift to a boy when choosing for Nicole. So, by age 3, I was exclusively shopping in the boy’s department for clothes, pajamas, underwear, swimwear, socks and shoes, backpacks, lunch bags, bike.
Nicole still calls herself a girl because she is very honest and feels she can’t “lie” about her genitals. I understand that this is typical with kids who are very honest, ages 7-9. They are literal and concrete thinkers who can’t deny their physical biology even though their head and heart conflict with that biology.
When she was about three during a car trip to SF, I was asking around a bit and she said, “I feel like a boy.” We didn’t dwell on that, but I mentioned that yes, sometimes our parts don’t match how we feel. A few years later in another conversation in the car, the kids were watching Mrs. Doubtfire. They laughed at how comical Robin Williams was dressed. And I volunteered that some people really do dress like the opposite sex, normally and not so comically. Then Hannah (so wise about the world) said you can take medicine to become the opposite sex. This is where Nicole really tuned in. Nicole didn’t believe Hannah and asked me if this was true. I told her that yes, there are some medicines (hormones) people can take to help them have more feminine or masculine features. She emphatically jumped in, “I want that!”
Her hair is in a Ponytail ONLY and panics if someone comes to the door unexpectedly and hair is NOT in a ponytail. I’ve asked if she would like a haircut, but being a bit of a hoarder, she doesn’t want to let that go. It just HAS to stay tied back in public. She will not attend any “girl” type parties.
At age 7 Nicole asked if we could call her something else. I asked what name she liked. She thought a moment and gave me two names. “You could call me Zeus. Or, you could call me Hercules.” We decided on Zeus. Although, Nicole instructed that Zeus could be her home name and Isabela her school name. That lasted about two weeks, then we got back to just using Nicole.
Most people in our lives just LOVE Nicole. Her playmates are 99% boys. She is cordial with girls in her classroom, but they aren’t playmates. As peers, the boys don’t even question how she dresses or how she plays, and they recognize her as an equal when playing sports, nerf gun wars, or playground games. The boys know that if they come over to our house and forget to bring a swimsuit it won’t be a problem because they can just borrow one of Nicole’s. There is no question on whether they will feel comfortable in it. Their parents all enjoy Nicole’s a great deal asking to have her over all the time because she is such a calming agent in their lives. She is polite, kind, generous, disciplined, and thoughtful. I actually have to fight to have her home because she is in high demand (by parents) at friends’ homes.
I have been proactive in seeking parents (and school personnel) who will support Nicole as she develops. I try to educate and advocate for open-mindedness with regard to gender-expansive and transgender issues. It’s interesting to me to see how people respond to Nicole. Some are naturally very open-minded. Others immediately go to their own tomboyish experiences with childhood friends like her and assure me that it will work itself out when she grows up. I reiterate that I have no expectation that she needs to “grow out of it” and that Nicole will be who she is and that as a parent I’m just along for the ride.
So far, we haven’t had many challenges. I expect that may change at puberty. A minor issue has come when the kids dress up for Halloween parade at school. Nicole just chooses to wear her costume on top of her regular clothes instead of changing in front of peers.
I’ve spoken with teachers at school about finding alternative ways to group students not just “girls and boys” categories. All have been very receptive as they see how awkward it is to have Isabela in a group where she is obviously uncomfortable.
Nicole is a super awesome person. She is tenacious and is probably one of the hardest working individuals I know. She has a positive attitude about life, is helpful, and tries very hard to be fair and caring to the people around her. Not everything comes easy to her, but she is so willing to put in the effort to get better at whatever she tries.
I really hope that the positive attitude she has now can carry her through more challenging times that may come in the future. My ultimate hope is that Isabela remains happy with who she is. I believe she demonstrates happiness and joy presently because she is being true to herself. At no point have we EVER attempted to persuade her to change how she dresses or behaves to act more traditionally female.
Like any child, Nicole has lots of hopes and dreams for her future. At times she wants to be a professional football player, other times she says she wants to be an engineer like her dad. At one point she wanted to be an astronaut then she wanted to be a police officer. She aspires to be super strong and athletic. She tries to make healthy eating choices because she knows this can translate into long and active life.
Hannah-
I really like soccer and basketball, using the computer, watching TV, Star Trek (the original). At school, I like math or science. I kinda like reading too. I LOVE beans and milk. I can drink milk all day. I love eating. Food is my favorite. I also like running around like a nut. I like all the sports: soccer, basketball, golf, track, softball, football (flag), 4 square. I love hanging out with my friends. I dislike gymnastics, princesses, and vegetables.
I don’t really get sad. I get mad or angry if people yell at me to go to bed or to turn off the computer. I get mad if I feel something has been unfair.
I eat lunch with boys, but I actually play with girls and boys. Well, to tell the truth, I end up playing with boys because the girls can’t compete. Sorry, they just aren’t as athletic.
My parents let me wear what I want unless they are dirty and gross. They force me to put clean clothes on. If I had to wear “girl” clothes and do typical girl things I would feel SO ANGRY. It would be so hard. I can’t imagine. That must be so miserable.
I never really wanted to be a boy, but I like boy things. But…I wish boys and girls didn’t have to follow strict categories.
My PE teacher, Mr. Harney, breaks us up into groups for PE. He’s learned to put me on the boy teams cuz (sorry, let’s face it) the girls just can’t compete.
At my school, the girls are getting more athletic and boys are getting less. It’s better to NOT have expectations on how they should be.
I would LOVE to be a professional athlete. Really like to be someone that uses math- is that an engineer or mathematician. I would like to have a family.
I want people to like me for being myself. Not necessarily being a girl or boy, just Hannah.
If someone was forced to wear clothes they don’t identify with I would say, Even though your parents force you to wear girl clothes, when you have the time…do what you want to do. Find places where you have the freedom to do what you want. I would like to kick bad parents in the face for forcing kids to be who they aren’t.