Zak, 12, Isle of Wight

Zak, 12, Isle of Wight, England

Zak’s mom- I want people to know Zak is awesome. He has faced so many challenges in life, and somehow he's still standing. He's so strong, much stronger than he knows, and one day he's going to make someone an incredible husband/partner. I don't care whether people know he's transgender or not. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.

He's a person, he shouldn't be defined by his gender, none of us should be, he should be defined by his thoughts and actions. He's very caring, wise and mature and I'm so proud of him.

Zak- At 12, I understood I was a boy. I knew I was not a girl by the age of 5, but didn't know what I was. I realised that I was nothing like the girls my age.  Their behaviour confused me. I hated the way they copied each other, and boys didn't do that.  Most of my friends were boys; I didn't want to play with the girls and to be honest, they wouldn't allow me to play with them.  I was bullied by many of them. I just didn't fit in.  I didn't want to wear girls’ clothing. Boys’ clothing seemed cooler.  I felt trapped when I wore girls’ clothing. Everything felt tight on me and ill-fitting.  Boy’s clothes fit me better, and they looked so much better. 

By the time I was 5 or 6, I wanted to be a boy. I didn't think I was because I knew I had a girl’s body; I wanted to have a boy’s body with boys body parts. When I was 12, I realised that transgender was a thing. My aunt came out as transgender, and it was a lightbulb moment. I instantly thought that I could be. I did some research and thought about it for about a month, but I didn't need that time; I knew the minute I learned about transgender as soon as I knew. I was excited because I finally felt that I fitted somewhere.

When I figured this out, I felt happy that I understood who I was and that there was finally something I could identify with. I was relieved that I wasn't just a weirdo and that I had a reason for feeling the way that I did. I was also relieved that my family was accepting. To be honest, I didn't think there was anything to accept. Once I knew I was transgender I knew I couldn't live as a girl. I had spent years trying to work myself out, finding somewhere I fit in. I thought that I was gay when I was about 10, but as I realised I was transgender, it made sense; I’m straight, I'm a straight guy in a girl’s body. I wanted to tell everyone I was a boy, though I wish I didn't have to tell anyone I was transgender, because I wish I could have just been born into the correct body.

I didn't worry about telling my mum and sister; I knew they would be accepting. To me it was never a big deal. I hadn't changed, I just knew now that I was a boy. I felt exactly the same, just that now it made sense. My mum told my dad. I was concerned that he wouldn't be accepting and that he wouldn't love me. When I knew my dad was okay about it all it felt really good. I was also worried about what my grandparents would think, but they have been very accepting too. I have a much better relationship with one of my grandads because of it, as he understands me more now, and can relate to me better. I wanted to instantly live like a boy. I was disappointed when my mum said we should do counseling first. I wanted to live like a boy and change my name, I didn't want to talk about my feelings, I'd been trying to understand them for 8 years, finally, now I did understand them, I felt the last thing I needed was counseling. The counseling did nothing,

I was very clear about who I was and what gender I was. I was very happy finally living as a boy and I felt right. I felt free and I felt like me for a change. I has always had long hair as a girl, it was the best feeling in the world when I had my hair cut. I knew I didn't look entirely like a boy, but more so than I had. I felt that is was definitely the start of the process, a journey and I was getting there.

I had very distorted expectations though and thought that I would be able to have hormones and operations straight away. I felt annoyed when I realised how long the process was really going to be. I feel really upset that I can't have the body that I want. The process is too long, and I can't have the hormones that I need. I hate looking like this, I hate the body that I have, I want it to transform, and it is wrong that I have to wait until I'm an adult.

I know very well that I'm male, and yet I'm treated like a young child as though I don't know my own mind when I've never been so sure of anything. I think that children should be allowed to have hormones and operations before puberty, I think it's unfair to expect transgender children to live in the wrong body.

I believe that it should be against my human rights to force me to live with a body that is of the wrong gender. I do think that a case should be brought to the court of human rights to make it so that young people shouldn't be forced to live like this. Over the past 11 months, I have transitioned so that I live as a boy. I wear a binder but you can't wear it all the time. I worry that if I wear it too much that I won’t be able to have an operation to remove my breasts, but at the same time I don't want to not wear it as I feel more masculine. I would never leave the house without wearing it. I use an STP and packer, but I feel it's wrong that I need one at all. I do feel more like a boy, however, I do struggle to use the STP and it makes me frustrated because this should never be a problem because I shouldn't need one. I don't feel that I pass as a male because I don't look particularly masculine. I don't know what people think when they see me. I worry about what people think, but it kills me inside that when people look at me they may see a girl.

Everyone has been very supportive. I have encountered no negativity at all. My friends accepted me instantly and did their best to remember my new name and use male pronouns. My closest friends weren't surprised. One friend already saw me as a boy anyway. I wasn't worried about telling my friends. To be honest I felt so secure in how I felt about my gender that I just didn't care what they would think. I didn't think my extended family would be supportive and I'm so happy that they are. It makes me glad because I wasn't expecting it.

My biggest challenge is my body.  I have to see my female body. I cover it up as much as possible, I wear shorts and a t-shirt in the bath to hide my body from myself.  My body makes me feel sad and disappointed. It's not the body it should be.  I don't like to talk about my body, it's deformed.

I think being transgender is the only true way to understand what it is like to live every day in a body you hate. In simple terms, I explain I have a boy’s brain in a girl’s body. It is a disgust of the body that I have and a total need to have a male body. My whole life is blighted by it, it never leaves I'm always confronted by it because I have to live in a body that is not mine. It's like when you have a spelling mistake in a word and it changes the meaning of the word completely, well that's what it has done to my life.

I don't like going to the bathrooms or anything that states gender as I don't feel I qualify as either yet. I know I am male but I feel outcasted. I don't feel like I have the right to be either gender and I don't know how far along in the process I will have to be to be considered as a man.

My dreams are that I have a complete male body. To be a musician. To be happy. I would like to be a dad. I'd like to travel, see the beaches of the world.

People don't understand when they're being offensive. I'm asked really private questions and they don't understand how it could be an awkward or sensitive topic for me. I'm regularly reffered to as a he-she, not out of ignorance but lack of understanding. For me personally, I find this rather amusing, however, at times this can hit home.

Zak’s mom

He was 12 when he first realised that transgender was a thing, and that he was a boy not a girl.  I had suspected it since he was 4, however I felt if I talked to him about it that perhaps that I would be putting ideas into his head, ideas I didn't want.  I didn't want him to be transgender, I wanted him to be a "normal" little girl.  I don't know if I did the right thing.  Maybe he would have been happier if I had spoken with him and he had transitioned earlier.  If he had ever come to me as a younger child and said he was a boy I would have gone with it, but I didn't want to plant ideas that were not his. 

He was terribly unhappy at being born a girl, and that he never felt like a girl.  I really started to see him struggle with this from the age of 4.  He would ask for boys’ clothing and wearing them gave him so much joy, by the time he was 5 he was refusing to wear any girl’s clothing at all, including underwear.  He had no idea why he just hated everything about being female. I remember how thrilled he was the first time someone mistook him for a boy, he was 6 years old, and I'll never forget the huge smile that spread across his face.  I remember how happy he was the first time he had his hair cut.

I was choosing to ingnore it, hoping it would go away, hoping that he was just a "Tomboy" and that it would all change when he got older, and that we would become my little girl.  He was 12 when he told me. I didn't want this and I wasn't prepared to just accept.  

 Once Zak had told me that he thought he was transgender, the first thing I did was organise some counselling, I was hoping they were going to say it's okay we've talked through it and it's just a phase.  When I was his age I wanted to be a boy, but that was the difference I wanted to be, he was.  The counselling soon confirmed that he was indeed transgender, and since then, we, as a family, have gone with it.  I'm now very happy to accept Zak as my son. 

 I love him for who he is, not what I wanted him to be.  It doesn't worry me at all now.  It's been 11 months since Zak told us.  I'm so happy for him.  I want him to be happy more than anything else in the world. As he has transitioned I've seen him become more confident, more adjusted, and more mature. 

I'm very proud of the young man he is becoming. It took me a few weeks to adjust but I knew it wasn't the end of the world, this was still my child and I certainly didn't want him to be unhappy any longer.

When he told me, I said that it didn't matter to me what gender he is, because he is here, I can talk to him, touch him, hold him and that is the most important thing in the world, nothing else matters and that is true too. (we lost a child to cancer so I know.) Ultimately, I knew this was about Zak, not about me. I wanted him to know that we would always support him no matter what.

I have become fiercely protective of him and have had many a run-in with our GP already. All I want is for him to be happy.   I was not concerned about what people thought, I cared about was Zak and his happiness.  I know that he is much happier now.  However, he is disgusted by his female body parts and even has a bath in shorts and t-shirt.  I worry that puberty will bring so many unwanted changes that he will find it difficult to cope, whilst he lives as a boy he's happy.

I thought I would lose "friends" because of it, but I haven't everyone has been great.  I was expecting problems from my father-in-law, but actually, he gets on better now with Zak than he has ever done. I'm hoping that this means that the days of finger-pointing, laughing, and creating comedy out of transgender are far behind us. We currently have a particularly unhelpful GP, it took a lot to get a referral to the gender identity clinic.  Whenever we go to ask for something we're instantly told "No"! I'm desperate for Zak not to start his periods.  I know that he will find them very distressing and there will be nothing I can do to make it better for him, but our GP won’t even begin to investigate if there is anything that can be done to prevent this from happening until Zak can get his appointment.  There is currently a 9-month waiting list. 

Being transgender does give Zak anxiety.  I think it will help when he gets testosterone but that is so many years away.  To be honest I don't know what challenges he faces, because he won’t talk about it.  If I ask him, he just says he's fine, even though it's obvious that he's not.  I know he's been suicidal in the past, and I worry, really worry that this will all be too much for him, and it will drive him to take his own life.  I've worried about that since he was about 5 he's always looked on the bleak side of things.  But I guess when you live a life that you don't know where you fit, and you can't make sense of it, and it's not been the easiest of life anyway even without the transgender, that there is always going to be the risk that eventually you break.  That is my biggest fear.

I want people to know he is awesome.  He has faced so many challenges in life, and somehow he's still standing.  He's so strong, much stronger than he knows, and one day he's going to make someone an incredible husband/partner.  I don't care whether people know he's transgender or not. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.  He's a person, he shouldn't be defined by his gender, none of us should be, he should be defined by his thoughts and actions. He's very caring, wise, and mature and I'm so proud of him.

He hopes to have the body of a man. He wants facial and body hair, he wants to look and feel like the male that he is, and I am certain he will want all surgeries possible to make this happen.  He wants to be a musician, he's not talking about being a rock star, he's happy to busk, or play the club circuit he doesn't expect great things for himself, but he hopes to be happy, and I hope that for him too, with all my heart us know.

And I want them to understand this is not a choice. That it is nothing to do with sexuality, "perverts" or simply putting on clothes of the opposite gender. How we teach this I don't know. There are so many misconceptions regarding transgender that this message must get through. It is the misconceptions of others that make life so difficult for people who are transgender.